Insane Earthlings: The Casual Employee or How Many Grandmothers Can One Man Have?

Thomas was never on time for work. There were days when he would call in to say he was running late, and then never actually make it in. And as time went on, there were days when he did not call or show up for work at all.

I was the Director of Manufacturing at the medical device plant where Thomas was employed. I know what you are thinking. And believe me, everyone who worked at the company was thinking the same thing.

Thomas should be fired.

But none of us wanted to do it.

His absenteeism became chronic. He started making up excuses for why he was late or why he had missed the last day or three days. Or the last two weeks. There were times that he missed work for so long that we assumed he had quit. Then he would show up with some cockamamie story about why he had not been able to make it or get in touch. We should have fired him by every reasonable and objective measure. But we didn’t.

Thomas was a nice guy. I know that sounds lame. He was nice, so we let him get away with being slack. But there is so much more to it. There are layers of complexity to every situation. Some of these complexities are known or obvious, while some might be buried deep or yet to be revealed. Thomas was a uniquely nice guy and his life was filled with complexities. Or complications. Some of them self-imposed, but some landed in his lap by the nature of the home, the race, and the culture of poverty he was born into. Some were delivered to him by an inherently biased society.

Thomas had a smile that could kill. He was lanky and a bit socially odd. He wore a hairstyle that was always about ten years behind the current trend. His glasses were like that too; large and gold framed, they never seemed to fit quite right. He would constantly have to push them back up into place. He was a bit of a nerd. But a flash of that smile would make all of that disappear.

Thomas was naturally curious. He knew enough to be dangerous on everything from philosophy to black holes in space. However, he had difficulty discerning a phony conspiracy theory from real science or fact. His favorite topic of conversation was professional wrestling. Thomas was convinced that the matches he watched on TV were real. He believed all the soap opera storylines that were woven into the commentary between grudge matches and cage matches. He wanted us to believe too.

Thomas was smart and creative. His excuses for being absent or late became a source of entertainment. Our HR Manager began to compile a list. He was stung by a jellyfish. He could not find his umbrella and it was raining. He ate a sour hot dog. If it had snowed within three states of where we lived, he had happened to be there and found himself snowed in. I think he had at least eleven grandmothers die. And having more grandmothers than any one person could have is where Thomas screwed up.

Why didn’t he keep his own list of excuses to make sure he had not gone over the M.A.G. (Maximum Allowed Grandmothers)?

So, the Production Manager came to me and said that something needed to be done about Thomas. He was creating problems by causing gaps in labor when we needed it. He was causing morale issues because if other workers were expected to show up on time, they felt that we should expect the same from Thomas. I agreed, but reminded him that the owner of the company reserved the right to fire employees. We could not take action without his input.

The Production Manager happened to be a creative genius, a poet, a humanitarian, and an all-around guru of sorts. He said that he had not meant to propose that Thomas be fired. He had another idea. He went on to explain that firing Thomas would not really benefit anyone. Thomas had proven to be unemployable by any other typical organization. Firing him just meant that he would end up on public assistance. The job gave Thomas some purpose and a sense of self-worth. And besides, Thomas was a good worker when he showed up. He was diligent and cared about the quality of the product. He was also well-liked by everyone despite the resentment some had for his unreliability.

So here was the plan. Thomas did not need to make up excuses anymore. (He did not have another Grandma to sacrifice anyway.) He could come to work whenever he wanted. We would send him home if we did not need him. It would be in his interest to call first so that he would not waste time coming in just to be sent home. That way we would be able to hire an extra person that was reliable and only use Thomas if we were busy, or someone was out sick, etc.

You might think that seems unfair; that we conformed to Thomas’s inability to get to work rather than making him conform to our schedule. Yep. That was the plan.

We took it to the owner. He listened and rubbed his chin. “I like it”, he said. However, he suggested that as part of the arrangement that Thomas would get no raises, no bonuses, and no benefits. That way if any other employees complained we could tell them that they could have that same deal if they wanted. Our HR manager pitched in by creating the official category of “Casual Employee”. It was brilliant.

Thomas would be able to have all benefits reinstated if he could demonstrate that he could reliably work a full-time schedule for three months in a row. The truth is Thomas was thrilled with the arrangement. I had to remind him a few times that I did not need a reason for why he had not made it to work on a particular day.

As the years passed, Thomas stayed on as a casual employee. We rarely sent him home. The company had grown to the size that someone was absent most days and he could just fill in that spot. As a long term employee, Thomas understood the job and had all the proficiency that you would expect from someone who has repeated a task over and over. But he had only received cost of living increases. That made him one of the most cost efficient employees we had.

Thomas kept his job. He was a taxpayer instead of being reliant on Government assistance. I believe that whatever issues had kept him from being able to cope with a full time schedule would have been worse if he had been perpetually unemployed. Our workplace had adapted in a way that benefited the company and the employee. It was unconventional. And if I am ever in a job interview and they ask me about a moment that I am proud of from my work experience, I will tell the story of Thomas. I’m proud that I was open-minded, that I recognized the strengths of everyone involved, and facilitated the series of decisions that allowed Thomas to keep knocking us out with his smile for a few more years.